Sunday, July 17, 2005
So many people talk the talk...so few walk the walk. So often I get caught up in talking...spend so much time planning what I want to do that I don't just do it! I am somewhat of a perfectionist (ok ok...anal...at least that's what my family calls it). I know what I want...and I have spent so much of my life settling for what I get. My life hasn't matched my words.
My whole life I have wanted more from my life than what small town northern Wisconsin has to offer. I have dreams of a place where my day starts with a walk on the beach and ends with a circle of friends at the same beach. The perfect job would be to own (or just run) a coffee shop/bookstore on that beach. Day after day meeting new people, from all walks of life..that have had the same dream..wishing they were in my shoes. I want to be the one living it..not dreaming it. It seems so far away.
My entire life has been spent doing what needs to be done to get through the day...putting out fires...making other peoples lives better. Everyone thinks I have it so together..."how can you be unhappy..you own your own business..that is everyones dream?". While the business I own has allowed me the freedom (for the most part) that I love...it is a constant internal struggle. I wonder day after day when it's all going to come crashing down around me. I feel like I am faking my way through this and at any moment someone is going to come in and say YOU ARE BUSTED.
My childhood was horrible...but I have made peace with it and grown because of it so, while I may refer to it in the future, it is my past and I am in control of what my life becomes and I REFUSE to let that childhood taint what I may become.
I had my son when I was 19, married his father when I was 20, my daughter was born when I was 22. I was married for 14 years. Maybe it was because I didn't know any better but the first 9 years were great. Then we sold the home I loved, moved in for "just a short time" with his mother (this short time ended up to be 18 months) so we could make plans for building our dream home. After 18 months I couldn't take it anymore and we had to move out..so our dream home became a 3 bedroom mobile home (which was nice...don't get me wrong...I have nothing against mobile homes). The problem came when my then husband couldn't get back into the role of husband and father...he enjoyed having his mother around too much. The rest of our marriage was spent trying to get back what we had...but I couldn't do it alone and I was DYING inside so I had to go. He went away for work for a week and I got an apartment and the kids and I moved out. I met him at the house the day he came home from his trip and told him. It wasn't the first time he heard that it was going to happen...he had been given plenty of warnings and choose not to change things.
Then onto a new chapter in my life. After a time the wild side of me came out and all hell broke loose. I'm over that now. It was a time full of experiences but not something I would want to do again. Maybe someday...I will share some of it. But..it's dark...NO drugs...very very little drinking...but it is dark.
I am back on track now and trying to build a life for myself. My son is 19, my daughter is 17, she will graduate in May and then I am back on my own. It's time to plan the next phase of my life. No more talking the talk...I have to get my act together and walk the walk.